Monday, September 15, 2014

!meoP

Witness the wetness of leaves,
See how the word world is splayed,
Furrowed with spirals and beams,
The earth’s mastication, its mulch and spit
Comes from something harder, softer,
Sharpening, lessening, leavening with grainy softness.
Darkness containing light,
Sadness containing the sigh of a joy of a child;
Infinite beauty, more and more of beauty
So much that it is sometimes sublime
Sometimes immobilising. Sometimes
The chiming of similar sounds, the wet feet of the rain
On and under my feet,
Is like the poetry of breath taken in and given out
Into an atmosphere, a sphere of fear
Which rears up in terror at itself,
Ducking and dodging its own spears
Erasing its arrears before they can be spelt
Or counted. Before they can be named.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

?meoP

Heterosexual
Meterosexual
Fettered, sexual,
tethered rampaging to a mast of desire
like an elephant in musth.
To shave or not to shave?
Is this ultimately as philosophical a question as Hamlet's?
Was Ophelia asking this in the privacy of her bedroom
to her maid who, visible in phases amid the shifting deep velvet drapes,
her hands glinting with scissor and razor blade,
looked on with envy, empathy, 
--jaded, helpless? 

Monday, May 26, 2014

Things we say

A month into my fieldwork, during a time of deepening confusion and what I would later recognize as despair, I received an email from a student at my alma mater. She represented an on-campus publication which voices the views of students, alumni and faculty from our department. She sought my reflections on the Masters program which I had completed and which she was still in the midst of: 
Did I enjoy my time at the institute? Were there things I would do differently if I could go back in time? What is life after graduating like? Did my education prepare me for the life I have begun to lead?

These were charming questions even to my muddled, fraught mind. Charming because they were naiive and almost unanswerable. They were questions that I too would have asked as a student – at a time when, seen through the prism of holidays, internships, and summer schools, life beyond university seemed to contain endless possibilities, when the horizon of the years ahead glittered, sun-like, with secrets. In my reply to these questions, I tried to refrain from platitudes, I tried to write the kind of answers that would have encouraged me as an earnest student with mutable hopes.

What is life like after graduating? Much like life was like during or before college, I said – just as resistant to summary definitions. Which was and is the truth. But there were parallel truths I could have conveyed. That my experience of exiting campus-life as I knew it, and beginning a PhD, has been nothing like I imagined. That I have had a first taste of how lonely one can feel, how lost and jaded. That I felt as though I had, without knowing it, been on a conveyor-belt headed somewhere, and that suddenly some part of me – a limb, perhaps – was dangling ragged off the belt, wizening me to how close I was to falling off, how close I was to dissolution.


There are things we say. There are things we are silent about – because they render us inarticulate, or because we feel that the mundane horrors of our lives would serve no purpose being told. What fascinates me sometimes, what holds me in its thrall, is the idea that someone who is herself fraying – whose thoughts are ill and confused – can proffer advice to someone at the other end of a cable, and quite possibly as distressed. What fascinates me is the idea that they can help each other.